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Got 11 girlfriends? How about some gals you would like to know better? It could even be a group of ladies you have something in common with; soccer, church, school, work…
Got one night a month to escape from your family and have fun as well as to invest in your well being ?
Great! Now you are ready for Bunko!!! Yes, I am talking about the dice game your mothers and grandmothers played!
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So apparently there were students from a third grade class that were so mad at their teacher, they plotted to kill her! Yes KILL her! Can you believe it? I was shocked. They weren’t messing around either, we are talking true law and order stuff. Details revealed that these third graders, (students who are approximately 9 years old) had a plan. And not just any old plan, a well thought out, plan! Each of the students was assigned a job, one was to bring rope, one was to bring handcuffs, the bravest and strongest was going to hit her in the head with a hammer…the list of jobs goes on. Each one knew exactly what they had to execute the plot…no pun intended!
I thought this teacher must be a hideous child abusing witch for her students to hate her as much as they did!
Then I thought, hey, these kids turned out smart, crafty, and resourceful! They had a plot that was so well thought out and organized. Surely this teacher did her job in teaching these kids how to think on their own, work as a group and execute a project from beginning to end!
Far cry from comstructing the DNA strand model for the science fair, but impressive all the same!
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My husband and I went to marriage counseling. The counselor looked at us and made a profound statement. She said, ” What would you do differently today if you knew your spouse was going to die tomorrow?”
Well, I know family and friends would descend on the house upon hearing about a death! If one of us were to die tomorrow, today I would be cleaning the house, windows and all, getting our funeral clothes cleaned and pressed. Oh, that reminds me, I will have to get the baby new church shoes, she outgrows them between Easter and Christmas! When my grandmother died I remember running into a Payless and grabbing church shoes and throwing them on her moments before we ran into church. I noticed both her feet pointing in the same direction. SHE HAD ON TWO LEFT SHOES! On the way through the cemetery, she kept walking towards the left!
Yes, I would be cleaning the house top to bottom and he would be getting rid of a hell of alot of porn from his underwear drawer!
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So I thought I saw it all on FOX’s Good Day LA show and their pet adoptions. Blind, diabetic dogs, cats with three legs, but today I couldn’t believe it! They were trying to adopt two pit bull mixes who looked like they could chew your arm off! They could hardly hold still on camera because they were trying to get to the crew. These dogs were not up for adoption, they were actually looking for foster care for these dogs because THEIR OWNER WAS IN JAIL!!!!! Am I the ONLY one to “go there”…drug guard dogs????
I think I would rather have the doggie with no bladder and his catheter in a fanny pack!
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So they say Botox is bad for you. Apparently the poison they inject with you can travel to your brain! You really think this is going to stop people from getting botox! They carve their faces like Halloween Jack-O-Lanterns as is! Demi Moore is willing use live leeches on her body as a beauty process. I myself still use artificial sweetners even though they cause all kinds of damage! I use the blue, pink and yellow packages! I order a large fries and that diet coke! My friend and I even planned a trip to TJ to be injected with bat urine to lose weight! I will try anything except DIET AND EXERCISE!!!
But, I digress, back to the botox. Here how’s I battle that demon…To look younger, I hang out with older people! I only make love with hubby on my back so all that skin lies backward with me!
Seriously….I live life to the fullest, laugh with my husband and love my kids up every chance I get. I adore my friends and share with them my dismays of the day so i don’t talk to my family about negative things. I read a psalm every morning and see the bigger picture!
That’s how I stay young and beautiful!
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Wow, am I the only one who sees the elephant in the room? Paula Abdul is a bonafide whacka doo! Thank God she sits in the middle of the two guys. The way she leans and rocks back and forth, oh, let’s be honest people, she is so high she can’t even sit up, Simon and Randy are there to hold her up. She is like a jumbo sized pinball machine marble! She is climbing into Simon’s lap, clapping like a seal, and talking about colors and even threatened to pinch the head off one of the contestants and hang it from her rear view mirror! Even the hardest core gang member wouldn’t think about doing something that sick! Drunk Paula is back! And I tune in to watch the train wreck, just like all of you do!
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I am so sick of these celebs adopting babies from other countries! There is a rumor going around today that Britney is trying to adopt twins from China! Really Brit-brit? Now you have to spread your negligence of children to other countries? Angelina Jolie is adopting kids like they are pok-e-man cards! Gotta catch ‘em all!
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Ok I have seen it all! The Fox morning news show always has pet adoption segments…and for some reason they never disclose EVERYTHING about these animals. Jillian is usually the one to notice; “hey, is that dog blind in one eye?” Is it just me, or does that cat only have 3 legs? ”
The representative for the adoption agency tries to get out of it while under pressure on air. ” Yes, but this diabetic, one legged dog makes a great pet…if you never look him in the eye he can see out of, because he has been known to chew up children.”
Now, this beats all. TODAY THEY TRIED TO GIVE AWAY A DOG WITH NO FUNCTIONING BLADDER!!!! Jillian noticed a special belt he was wearing and the adoption representative had to explain how this dog pee-pees all over the house and this is his second time on the show. Apparently he was given away once and then given back because nobody bothered to tell them this dog didn’t have a freaking bladder!
Love those segments.
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Chris Angel continues to surprise me with his madness! What a wacko! He thinks his macabre gruesome tricks impress everyone! He buries himself alive with his girlfriend in the front row, encases himself in a barrel 10 stories high ready to plummet in 15 seconds!
This was by far the most bizarre of all: for Mother’s Day, Chris Angel invited his mom to Vegas to see a special trick he designed especially for her. Chris Angel was going to set himself on fire! Yes, he became “The Human Candle” ! Oh what a fun gift for mom! As mother’s we take care of our kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and this fruit cake BBQ’s himself just for mom! Don’t you think he’s taking this “Look at me Mom!” thing way too far? What is going to do for her at Christmas? Get hit by a bus? Oh, I know, wrap himself in bologna and jump in a shark tank! Hey Chris, better yet, cover yourself in honey and kiss a grizley! Why not just give her a heart attack and get it over with!
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One night I was sound asleep and I heard a noise downstairs. I tried and tried to wake up my husband to no avail! I got out of bed and opened the bedroom door…THAT woke him up.
He asked, “Where are you going?”
I whispered, “I heard a noise!”
“And you are going downstairs like that by yourself? Are you crazy? I’m glad I woke up and stopped you!” He reached under the bed, “Here, take the bat!”
After that we shopped for burglar alarms. At a minimum you are looking at 2000 dollars! Who has that kind of cash lying around? And if I DID, then I would need a burglar alarm. Here’s what I think…if a burglar can make it past the slip and slide and skate board in the front yard, clear the garden hose across the porch, recover from tripping on the Tonka truck under the window, make it upstairs without puncturing his foot on a Polly Pockets doll, not break his neck on my husband’s work boots at the top of the stairs, why then that burglar deserves whatever I have in my jewelry box! I think all I have in there are teeth from the tooth fairy, a Hello Kitty adjustable ring and a macaroni necklace!
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So JLo is finally announcing that she is pregnant! I was wondering when she was going to finally admit it! I pictured her nine months along, laying in the maternity ward, feet in the stirrups, yelling at anyone who passed by, “I AM NOT PREGNANT!”
So, why the big secret? here’s my theory, becasue JLO knows that her baby could be ugly! That poor baby could look like Mark Anthony! JLO is beautiful and he is…well, let’s face it, that man fell from the top of the ugly tree and hit every ugly branch on the way down! He is ugly with a capital UGLY! How did he hook up with one of the most beautiful women in the world? He must have seen where she hid the body!
Can you imagine that poor baby being read bed time stories by zombie faced Mark Anthony? But, every little girl loves their daddy and thinks he is handsome!. She will look at the fairy tale book he is reading and will say, “Look Daddy, the monster in the story is handsome like you!”
Poor J Lo, it’s a baby. You can’t return it like you can return a purse!
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When I first heard about Britney’s baby not strapped into a car seat and saw pictures of him sitting on his mommy’s lap with the window wide open as she sped down PCH, I thought she was very irresponsible mother. Then she almost dropped the baby AND her Starbucks…then there was the time he bounced out of the high chair…and it all hit me! Oh My God, this baby is trying to run away! He was trying to escape all along!
This woman puts anything and everything ahead of the happiness of her children and still there are sound bytes of celebs telling Britney to be a good mom, put on her panties and get with the program! I say, “Britney, give up, walk away from those children and cut your losses! ” You don’t have the common sense God gave an alley cat! Because even a homeless alley cat knows how to mother her litter! Britney, why didn’t you drop these boys off at a fire station on the way home from the maternity ward! You know it’s legal here in California and no questions are asked! You could have spared all of us your drama playing out on tv every night!
On The View, there is an ongoing argument as to whether Britney is an unfit mother just because she doesn’t wear panties. They argue that Britney is too young and doesn’t know better! Now my girls have known since they were two years that they don’t go ANYWHERE WITHOUT THEIR PANTIES! Of course going out in public without her panties makes her a lousy mother! And she is photographed ALL the time WITHOUT her panties! You don’t think her boys will see these photos! NO KID deserves to see his mom without panties no matter how bad those kids are, AND THOSE KIDS ARE GOING TO BE BAD!!!
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WAKEUP! When you become a mom, you never sleep again! You NEVER sleep again! And when you do, you sleep like a cat with one eye open!
“Who needs me? What do you need now? GO TO SLEEP! YES, MOMMY STILL LOVES YOU NOW GO TO SLEEP!”
I haven’t slept for more than four hours in a row since May of 1985. I find myself stumbling through the house like a zombie calling out in the dark hallway, “Who needs me? Who needs Mommy?”
I am desperate for sleep. One night the kid on the top bunk got sick in the middle of the night and threw up. He came to our bedroom, reached right over daddy and shook me awake. “Mommy I threw up over the side of the bed”. Somehow, even in a sleep deprived stupor, I remembered they have bunk beds and this was the kid from the top bunk.
“Oh, no, You didn’t throw up on your brother did you?”
“Yes mommy.”
“You didn’t wake him up did you?”
“No mommy.”
“Good, we’ll clean him up in the morning.”
One morning at 4:45 A.M., my five year old shook me awake.
“Wake up Mommy! Wake up!”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s officially my birthday!”
“You weren’t born until noon! Get back to bed!”
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Move over Halloween! Christmas is everywhere… ALREADY!
I hate seeing commercials during Christmas. The one I hate the most is the one where a family is dresses in red sweaters, the Yule log is burning, there are carols softly playing in the background, the whole family is decorating the tree. The father hands the mom an ornament and lo and behold, there is a diamond bracelet attached. IN MY DREAMS!
First, I have to bribe the entire family to help me decorate the tree. The TV is blaring the latest episode of COPS. My oldest teen is throwing as many ornaments on just one branch and asking, Can I be done? Can I be done? Can I be done! My son has taken Baby Jesus from the manger and has him fighting with a nutcracker. . The ultimate battle of GOOD VS EVIL! And all the while my husband is cussing and kicking things while sawing branches from the tree trying to make it even. My only jewelry is a half eaten popcorn necklace and even THAT has baby slobber on it! And a happy new year!
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